For me feeling is a notion that i became aware of as an early teen. I had to notice it. It was that apparent. Not because of me. I'm not special. I'm like any other person. The difference was made when four boys were messing around with fireworks. It was five nights before 1968 became 1969, the year of the famous Apollo 11 moon landing. I was asleep in my bed, three years old. We lived in a nabour hood with simple housing. Blocks of two and each block separated from the next block by a thin alley. The four boys tried to tie four pieces of firework by intertwining the fuses into one fuse. They lit the fuse and tossed the projectile in for them a random alley. It was the alley next to our house for me. With two high walls and floor made from brick, the sound of the blast coud'nt escape. Only through both ends of the alley and into the sky. The blast was loud, magnefied by the closed antics of the alley. It woke me, shook me beyond startling. I was terryfied, crying my eyes out. My mom tried to comfort me. But the damage had already taken place. Each person who startles freezes, even more if it goes beyond startling. When a person startles, he does the same as everyone does: he takes a deep breath, freezing up a little more inside. So did i and by doing so i increased my internal air pressure. I did'nt know this at the time, leaving me no chance to undo it. It resulted in a tighter connection with all liquid iron particles in my body, thus letting me feel deeper in my energy than i normally would have. So deep that i had to be aware of it, but leaving me with no opportunity to understand what i felt. 

More than fifty years i had no idea about my way of feeling what felt. I was aware of it all, i learned that it had an advantage, but also that it bothered me, limiting me. I was left without answers. Until early fall in 2016. Early that year i took my first steps in the world of Tantra and some steps they were. First i had no idea what i had gotten into. I found myself in an old farmhouse, way behind on maintenance. I saw stuffed animal dolls seven foot high. I saw a lady in a long wihte robe. I saw purple reclining cinema benches on both sides of the dance floor. I saw waxine lights burning on the dance floor. The next day i felt glorious. As if anything was possible in my ife. As if nothing could tear my life apart. It lasted close to two weeks. Knowing that Tantra had giving me that feeling, i practiced more Tantra. I went to a four day festival, i went to Tantric dance events. But the glorious feeling did'nt return. When i was practicing Tantra i met lots of people. All searching their own truth, undergoing rituals and workshops with wisdom garnered from all over the world. Asian traditions, Sjamanic rituals and the ancient wisdom of the native americans. It led me to the point that made me realise that mankind was searching, searching for thousands of years. It dawned on me that if mankind is searching for that long and still is out there searching, it means they haven't found, and if they haven't found they lack answers. I was searching for that glorious feeling and i did'nt find it. If man did'nt have answers and if i was lost for answers, than who has answers? It shook my being, my life, my world. No answers. Not documented. Not in ancient scriptures. No old, wise man in the Himalaya mountains. It took my strive to make something out of my life away from me. How can i do what i wanted to do so dearly if had no idea how to do it, if i lacked the desperatly needed answers. I stopped striving. From that moment on life happened as it unfolded, without me intervening. And eventually brought me what i wanted. It even brought back the glorious feeling.