About me
Spring was in its tender stage, just starting to open up in 2016, when i was lying on my couch. it seemed as if i was lazy, but i knew very well what i wanted to do. I knew what i wanted with my life, what to make of it, but i somehow could'nt find a way of doing it. Couch hanging lasted five weeks before i participated in a Tantra workshop. I did'nt think much of it at first, but the simplicity of some of the exercises, the realisation of the fragility of a human being, the fun of dancing and the exaustion made an impact on me. The next day and weeks where close to a miracle. I felt like as if nothing in life could be big enough for me, as if i could handle everyting life would through at me. Closing in at the end of the second week the feeling started to fade. It made me do more Tantra. It had giving me that feeling. I did dance events every thursday evening, i went to a festival on a camp side, i went to a retreat.
Some time before the retreat i had a shocking insight. During my trip in the land of Tantra, i met lots of people. I saw them, i heard them and i felt them, and in between i had felt something else: they were searching for something similar as i had been. But if they had no idea, no answers and i did'nt have ideas and answers, than who did? My life seem to end right there and then. As if there was only one thing left to do: waiting for my life to really end. It made me scared. I knew what i wanted to do in my life, what my wishes were. I just did'nt know how to persue them. What to do now? I did'nt know. I could'nt think of a way to go forward. I stood there in my living room, tears in my eyes. I made a wish. If i could'nt persue my only wish, than all i had left was wishing what i did'nt want, what i never wanted to feel in my life again: no more pain, no more fear.
The retreat handed me the tool i needed: the basic technique of meditation. Sit, relax and feel yourself.